Insecurities....

Insecurity is like a cuss word to me. I have worked my whole life to not be a "normal" girl. I don't like to cry in front of people. I always tried to never be that emotional girl that is so up and down. But what I am having to come to terms with is the fact that I am a girl and have crazy emotions. I HATE insecurity. I feel so weak when I am being insecure. Unfortunately, I am a girl with a lot of them. I think for so long I have been able to mask them or even fool myself into believing that they did not exist. There have been many friendships, dating relationships, and even family relationships that have really left me scarred. People who should love you no matter what just don't talk to you anymore. I easily do not feel loved. Or do not believe that it will last when people say it. If anyone actually reads this blog(as I hate writing blogs)you are probably wondering what the point is. Well, Ukraine and our ministry here absolutely exposes my insecurities. I work with kids who have been so hurt and burned in life that their take on love is so skewed. Every person in life who loves wants to be loved back. It is just a natural human want. But what I have really had to realize is that I am called to love these kids whether or not I am loved in return. Just as God loves us. I can honestly say I have never poured out my love or life so much as I have in Ukraine. I love these kids in a way I have never loved anyone. So it hurts when they do not love back or when they burn us.

It seems to be magnified so much here because I up and moved to Ukraine. I live so far from all my family, friends, and comforts. My job here is literally also my whole life. We live everyday for these kids. So when they do not return love it feels that much worse.

Today, Annie and I sat on her bed and talked about how much loving these kids shows us God's love for us. He sits everyday and just wants relationship with us. He is so excited when we come to Him. And more often than not, we put him on the back burner or do not come to Him when we should. He wants us to come to Him because we want to. He gave up His son for us. Now, I in no way think we are like God. Basically, even though I struggle with how much my insecurities seems to be exposed on a daily basis, I so appreciate how much these kids teach me about God's love for me.

It is funny how when these are going smoothly here the devil will be extra sneaky to bring you me down. I know he knows each one of my insecurities and will use them against me if I let him. But my God is bigger and I have one of the coolest jobs in the world. I want to soak it up for however long He will have me here as we are not even promised tomorrow.

It has been 2 weeks since we went and got S.P. out of the juvenile colony. So often it still seems surreal. He will be sitting playing video games or watching t.v. and we will look at each other and say, "I cannot believe he is here with us." When you wait for something for so long and then it becomes reality it almost doesn't feel real. He is doing well. Sometimes you can tell he is overwhelmed with life but he is so so happy. He would not sleep for the first week because he was so happy just to be home. We are trying to help him take it slow but today he is already working with Roman. He is so grateful for everything and he tells us he doesn't want to take any money from us. He says we have done so much already. I think the hardest part of being out for him is his friends. Most of them are not doing well and haven't even made the time to come and see him. Roman and him have formed a fast friendship and it is actually really cool to see God's timing in it. Roman is in one of the best places we have ever seen him and him and S.P. are good for each other. We were talking today about how they treat each other. They are kind and considerate which is pretty unheard of for our kids.We have just been soaking up the goodness.

S.P. was sick when we got him and since I think we had all decided to do everything together we all got sick. But even that was a fun bonding time. We rarely have a lull in a storm, so I have just decided to not take it for granted and cherish every moment.

A week ago friday was my kids graduation. I CANNOT believe that they graduated. It was not the way I always dreamed it would be since we are not allowed at the orphanage. But God is good and the director said we could come and even stay for the after party. I had such a good time with my kids. For so many of them we were the only people there for them. I remember meeting them when they were practically babies and now they are going out into the world. It is scary for most of them, I can see it when I talk to them about it. But I am excited to somehow help them with the transition. I have walked through a lot of life with them and I so want to help with this part too.

Yesterday was Roman's birthday. Sometimes we still get shocked that they choose to spend it with us. That we have truly become family to them. We did not do much as he was feeling pretty sad from losing a very close friend just a few days ago. But what we did do, we all did together and just thoroughly enjoyed being together.

Life is soon going to get crazy busy as we have a team coming and are preparing for summer camp. But I know you can never repeat time or get moments back. So for right now I am just basking in the love for the family that God has given me in Ukraine knowing that life always changes and I don't know what is right around the corner. But for this moment I am so blessed by these kids.