Insecurities....

Insecurity is like a cuss word to me. I have worked my whole life to not be a "normal" girl. I don't like to cry in front of people. I always tried to never be that emotional girl that is so up and down. But what I am having to come to terms with is the fact that I am a girl and have crazy emotions. I HATE insecurity. I feel so weak when I am being insecure. Unfortunately, I am a girl with a lot of them. I think for so long I have been able to mask them or even fool myself into believing that they did not exist. There have been many friendships, dating relationships, and even family relationships that have really left me scarred. People who should love you no matter what just don't talk to you anymore. I easily do not feel loved. Or do not believe that it will last when people say it. If anyone actually reads this blog(as I hate writing blogs)you are probably wondering what the point is. Well, Ukraine and our ministry here absolutely exposes my insecurities. I work with kids who have been so hurt and burned in life that their take on love is so skewed. Every person in life who loves wants to be loved back. It is just a natural human want. But what I have really had to realize is that I am called to love these kids whether or not I am loved in return. Just as God loves us. I can honestly say I have never poured out my love or life so much as I have in Ukraine. I love these kids in a way I have never loved anyone. So it hurts when they do not love back or when they burn us.

It seems to be magnified so much here because I up and moved to Ukraine. I live so far from all my family, friends, and comforts. My job here is literally also my whole life. We live everyday for these kids. So when they do not return love it feels that much worse.

Today, Annie and I sat on her bed and talked about how much loving these kids shows us God's love for us. He sits everyday and just wants relationship with us. He is so excited when we come to Him. And more often than not, we put him on the back burner or do not come to Him when we should. He wants us to come to Him because we want to. He gave up His son for us. Now, I in no way think we are like God. Basically, even though I struggle with how much my insecurities seems to be exposed on a daily basis, I so appreciate how much these kids teach me about God's love for me.

It is funny how when these are going smoothly here the devil will be extra sneaky to bring you me down. I know he knows each one of my insecurities and will use them against me if I let him. But my God is bigger and I have one of the coolest jobs in the world. I want to soak it up for however long He will have me here as we are not even promised tomorrow.